EP 52: Grace in the Pause: Turning Setbacks into Strength with Rhebia Heyward

Listen as Raven Heyward, founder and host of DiversifyHER, converses with her mother, Rhebia (REE-BEE-AH). For the first time, she brings her mom on the mic, and they keep it honest. They talk about what it’s like for a parent to watch their child hurt, why Rhebia sees “divine alignment” in the pause, and how faith, prayer, and trust can quiet the urge to control everything. She shares what helped Raven's parents build a stable foundation while raising Raven's older brother, Jalen, and Raven, plus practical encouragement for anyone who didn’t grow up with the same support, including the value of counseling and choosing a healthy team around you.

Transcript

Life Goals And Too Much Pace

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hello everyone and welcome back to Diversify Herb Podcast. As always, I'm your host, Raven Hayward, and today I thought that I would do a different sort of episode. For those of you who may not know, this past year has been off to kind of a rocky start for me since 2026. It is my last semester of undergraduate where I attend UNC Chapel Hill. I'm a business major and I'm double minoring in data science and conflict management. And as some of you may or may not know, upon graduation, I will be moving to Atlanta where I'll be doing consulting and analytics with Visa on their consulting and analytics team as an analyst. And at the beginning of the year, I set some goals for myself to continue to do well and finish up my senior year strong. But also I was studying for my GRE, where I had plans to apply to early enrollment or deferred enrollment, college and schooling for my MBA. And I planned on applying to Harvard and Northwestern. And I also was doing my honors thesis this past year, where I've been looking into the governmental frameworks around artificial intelligence in early stage hiring. And all in the midst of this, while trying to still do good in my extracurriculars that I have on campus, maintain my podcast, study for my schooling as well as my GRE, and maintain my social interactions with my friends as well as prioritize my mental sanity. I ended up getting into a very scary and traumatic car accident. It happened on February 22nd. I was with two of my close and dear friends who also happened to be my line sisters, and we were on the way to a dinner on that Sunday evening where we were stopped on the highway in traffic, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, we were rear-ended by another vehicle going over 50 miles per hour. In that moment, I truly don't remember exactly everything that happened. I hit my head upon the collision and I ended up passing out for a few seconds. I ended up waking up and I was just very confused and frightened. Of course, I wanted to check if my friends were okay, if everyone else around us was okay. And after that very traumatic moment, my car was totaled, and I ended up getting a whiplash and concussion from it. But I am so grateful to be alive and that no serious casualties were dealt with, and that is truly a blessing from the Lord. And I'm very grateful that everyone is okay and it's now been time and we've been able to sort of matriculate back into our everyday lives. But that moment was very scary and it made me realize a lot about just how short life is and how I shouldn't take anything for granted, but also, you know, to allow myself to heal and to give myself grace because I like to think that I am a very high achieving person. I set goals for myself, not only to make my family proud, but also to make myself proud. And I know a lot of the things that I want to accomplish and have accomplished so far, they don't go without hard work, but they also don't go without my support system and also my faith system that I have. And so in the midst of the goals that I set for myself at the beginning of the year, they sort of had to come to a halt or at least slow down. So I could give my brain enough time to heal and also just my body time to heal. And through these moments, I really did struggle with learning how to not move at such a fast pace and learn how to give myself grace. I feel that we always hear it. I know I've definitely talked about that in some of my past episodes on my podcast. But until you actually have to live in that moment and act out those words, it truly is a different ball game. And so in this episode, I really wanted to be honest and vulnerable with you all of what has truly gotten me through these past couple of weeks. And that's why the guest that I wanted to bring on my show is one of my biggest supporters, one of the people who have been with me through the very beginning, and someone that I am blessed and fortunate enough to call my mom. And she's never been on my podcast before or really done anything with my podcast other than support and listen to me and maybe listen to an episode or um before I post it just to get her feedback. But I would really love to have just an open and honest, vulnerable conversation here with you all for us to listen, but also just get some insight as to the woman who has raised me to be the woman that I'm becoming and one of my superheroes and someone that I look up to, just to get her perspective on everything and just share any advice that she may have. So, mommy, thank you for coming on the show. How are you doing?

SPEAKER_01 5:30

Hi, Raven. Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to be a guest instead of just listening on the podcast this time. I'm so excited to be here. I'm doing well, thank you.

SPEAKER_00 5:40

Yes, I'm glad you're doing well, and it's so funny to see you sort of in a professional light right now with this recording. But I just want you to know, mommy, it's we're just having a normal conversation, so I want them to see the raw in the realness of us. But hearing a little bit of my testimony and seeing me grow and develop these past over my lifetime, of course, but even in these few months, um, and watching me go through this year, what was it like?

SPEAKER_01 6:19

Um, I will honestly say, as a mother, it's never easy to watch your child in pain, especially when you can't take it away. But what I saw wasn't just your hardship. Uh, what I saw was God's hand covering you in every moment, even in the slowing down, and that there was protection, even in the pause. So there was purpose. So I had peace knowing that what looked like was a setback was actually divine alignment.

Divine Alignment And Trusting The Process

SPEAKER_00 6:53

Yes, definitely. I know we touched on that a little bit before with you just mentioning seeing my growth and the mother's perspective. But whenever you talk about divine alignment, what exactly would you say gave you the reassurance or made you feel like it was divine alignment? And maybe for listeners who don't necessarily have that type of intuition or just even thought process when hearing divine alignment, I'd love to know what exactly um you right.

SPEAKER_01 7:33

Um, I agree. It's Raven, it's actually just taking things as they come, knowing that you can try to control what you can control and not letting worry take the root because you have to trust the process that God always has you covered. And when you pray over someone and pray over something constantly, of asking for whether that's healing, clarity, or peace, um, every time, whether you know people call it intuition or they say my gut told me this, but it's actually God's reassuring you that um you're not always being delayed, you're being developed. And when that developed, you know, trying to control what you can control and trusting a higher process because you always know his ways are not our ways, and knowing that everything works out for the good and the purpose of what he has you for.

Parenting With Faith And Intention

SPEAKER_00 8:25

Yes, for you. I completely agree, and I think that's truly a testimony of just some of the pillars and the foundation that you and dad have instilled in me and Jalen. And for those of you who don't know, Jalen is my older brother. But I'd like to speak on, you know, you and Dad having us from such a young age, and also still trying to discover yourselves as well throughout that process. What would you say helped um for you and dad to work as a team and still and instilling those certain values between Jalen and I? Because um, for those of you who don't know, my older brother and I, we both um well, I will soon to be a graduate from UNC Chapel Hill, but he graduated from here in 2020, and we both were light on the hill scholars. My brother was a Chancellor Science scholar, and we both were fortunate enough and blessed to receive scholarships for going to schooling, and so both of us um will have graduated debt-free, which is a huge blessing, and not a lot of people can say that. And so I we owe a lot of that to our parents, and of course, the Lord, but you know, all of the sacrifices that Jalen and I know that you made, and also, you know, some of the sacrifices or the things that we don't know that may have transpired between you and dad while trying to raise us, you know, what would you say was your secret sauce or your recipe to everything? Because I always hear, you know, our family members or our friends ask you, but it truly is just a blessing and a testimony of who you are and your personal character and brand, I like to say, of you know, just the woman that you are. So if you could speak on that, I'd love that.

SPEAKER_01 10:21

Well, thank you so much for that. And then just realizing the sacrifices uh that dad and I have made. But I would say uh you, Jalen, and of course you, you guys have been our biggest rewards. But it comes from being rooted in our faith, and it comes from both of us actually being inintentional and being on the same page about what we wanted for our family, even though we were so young when we started. Um with that, that is the secret sauce. I mean, actually being in intentional and just choosing each other every day and staying on a program that says, okay, if this is what we want, this is what we'll sacrifice. Is just because we started young, it was a lot of sacrificing, but also wanting to give you and Jalen the opportunities of some of the things that we didn't have and knowing what it would be like to actually go to school and being debt-free, but also just pouring you into you guys so much of I think Daddy and I just poured everything we had into you guys, and with us, um, we'll be selling, we'll be celebrating 24 years of marriage coming up. So it's truly, and it's not easy. So it's a lot of grace, it's a lot of mercy, it's a lot of love, it's it's it's a lot of fruit of the spirit, right? Love, um, self-control, um, you know, all of those things that you had up that we have, but what we had to learn through that. We had to realize that the fruit that we have wasn't for us, it was for other people. And that other people is actually, you know, being you and Jalen. And with having that, we tried to live and moderate a lifestyle that you guys could see um, you know, healthy conflict resolution, what it is to work together and sacrifice, you know, for the family, of what it is of being on one accord, um, you know, of having love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, the faithfulness, gentleness, and just self-control of all the things that we have. We try to live a life that's, you know, evidence of a life that's rooted in God and being God like. Um, so like the fruit of the tree, they grow naturally when you are connected to the source, right? And so that's what we try to instill in you and Jalen. So, and the tree doesn't eat its own fruit, it's produced for others, right? So, with that, um I think we wanted to we brought you guys into the world, so we wanted you guys to have something or leave it better than what we had.

Finding Support When Family Is Hard

SPEAKER_00 12:46

Definitely, I agree, and I know you know you and dad have talked to us just about having good character and being disciplined, but also I think your faith is also a huge testament to who you are in the way that you brought us up. But I'm sorry to cut you off, I definitely want you to finish your point, but also in finishing your point, maybe um also providing some sort of support to listeners who may not have the type of support or the things that you and daddy were able to instill in Jalen and I, and even you know, they may not be growing up in a same household. And so I'd love for you to also talk about, you know, what you saw growing up and that either differing or you know, also displaying what you and dad instilled in Jalen and I.

SPEAKER_01 13:48

Oh, yeah, absolutely. I mean, it's about grace and mercy, and that's whether you know your parents are divorced or whether you know they're they're not, or you know, whether they're together or they're not. And sometimes I, you know, I have friends who have parents who have parents are still married, and it may not look healthy. So it's all about finding what's healthy for you and finding someone that you can confide in and finding a system that that kind of works for you and leaning on uh your support system, and that doesn't always have to be family, you know, it could be someone you know that you're close to, um, you know, anybody that you could choose to, you know, to talk to. So just learning, really going deep and learning about yourself and who you are and not being afraid of um knowing what you need. A lot of people, you know, for me, it took me going through, you know, the counseling. My par I grew up, my parents got divorced, you know, uh, when I was still in high school. Um, and you know, daddy, uh your grandparents are still together. So we have models all around us, but that doesn't mean the love changed. So it's just trying to realize what you want your your normal to be, or how you want, you know, how you want to feel, or learning to understand yourself and learning to understand your needs. That's that deeper, that deeper uh work you have to do in understanding yourself. So I think for you know, whoever it is, whether you know you're in high school, whether you're in middle school, even on to being an adult, you know, finding a support system or finding some counselor, you know, somebody to talk to, um, I think that's important because you're only as strong as your team of the people who pour into you.

Resilience And Personal Brand

SPEAKER_00 15:32

Exactly. I think you make such beautiful points there in articulating everything. And again, just to add on to how grateful I am to have you and dad in my life, and how fortunate I know that Jalen and I are. I also want to kind of show this is something that I've been talking about in one of the classes that I'm taking, it's personal branding. But we talk a lot about our brand or our personal brand that we want to give off. And so for myself, I would love to know in your eyes, how do you feel that you have shaped my brand or what you believe my personal brand to be?

SPEAKER_01 16:18

Um, Raven, your personal brand to me, you're you're all about resilience, right? I guess everything that life throws your way. I mean, you walk in such poise and grace, and you know how to extend grace and mercy. Um, that's I always tell you, I wish you'd know how to extend it more to yourself. But the growth that I've really seen in you through this time that when you got into accident, I saw a deeper strength in you. Okay, it was a deeper, more quieter strength. Not the kind that just comes from doing more, it's the kind that comes from just trusting more. And like I said before, trusting the process. You learn how to rest without guilt and how to surrender without fear and how to keep your faith, even when things felt uncertain. So that kind of growth is lasting, and that's the kind of growth that I think that will serve you um all throughout life and everything else that you grow through. Just learning to extend yourself that grace and just learning to trust the process because um you and I both know you're such a planner, and when you plan all the time, when things don't go your way, I I I love the way I guess in my proudest moment of you is seeing how resilient you can be and how you can adapt and have that flexibility and just knowing and trusting that even though it may not go your way or the way you thought it would go, you trust it because you trust him.

Graduation Season Staying Grounded

SPEAKER_00 17:40

Amen. And I think I appreciate all of those kind things that you said about me, mommy. And I also while hearing you say all these things, it's kind of hard for me to accept in a way. I feel that you know, you and dad always taught me to be polite and to have manners, but sometimes something I don't think a lot of people know about me is how hard it is for me to accept compliments sometimes, and I'm not sure why that is, but I really appreciate you saying all those things, and I can say it all right back to you as well. I think seeing your resilience and hearing the way that you um grew up and everything, and you making the most out of your life thus far, and just how much you've poured into me and Jalen really means a lot, and you know, seeing your how faith-driven you are, and I think that something really special about your brand is how a lot of people can connect with you, and you're so easy to talk to, and I think that that is truly a gift that God has blessed you with, and you know, I'm so grateful that you've been able to guide me along these hard few weeks and months that I've had, and just really be there as a support system for me. And I think it just goes all right back to how you say our divine alignment and everything just really going according to the plan that God has with us, and you even talked about me being a planner, and I know it's so hard because you're also a planner too, and so you exactly get where I'm coming from whenever I'm going through a lot of these things, and so um everyone listening, I just really want you to understand that a lot of the things that I accomplished and have accomplished so far, um, it has truly been with such amazing support from my friends and my family, of course, but also my mom, like I said, she is my number one supporter, and so I'm really glad that you all can just hear this special moment between us and the constant pep talks that I hear every single day, but you know, it actually being recorded, and for you all to get a bit of an inside blink into how I am the person that I am today, it's really special. And so as I come to the end of this episode, I wanted to kind of talk about looking ahead. Um, it's kind of funny I talked about being a planner, and here I am now talking about looking ahead. But you know, as I graduate in these next few weeks, these short days left that I have on campus, you know, I'm excited that I'm starting to feel more grounded and I'm grateful that I had this experience. But moving forward, mom, I'd love for you to just share maybe how you would um encourage me, but also just listeners to spend these next couple of weeks or days before we graduate and looking ahead into how we can stay grounded and afloat towards these next couple of months that are gonna be unfamiliar.

SPEAKER_01 20:50

Um, wow, there's so much I could say. But the one thing that that that comes to mind when I think about um, like you said, a piece of advice that I would give uh for everyone, the thing that comes to mind. I would say do not fight the season that you're in. You have to trust that God is still working, even if he's quiet. Sometimes then the most powerful growth happens in the pause when no one is watching. And I encourage everyone to just stay rooted uh in faith, stay patient with yourself and remember that whatever's going on, even if you think it's delayed, it's not a denial. What is meant for you will come and in the right time and in the right way, even if you don't think so. Just trust the process, do your best, and the rest will all work out. I promise you. Just keep the faith and keep going. Control what you can control.

Let Them Theory And Closing Thanks

SPEAKER_00 21:46

Thank you so much, mommy. I think that is a great way to end it. Control what you can control, but also um the book that you gifted me, The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins, that is a great read for anyone who has not read it. I'm still in the Middle of finishing it, but mom, you gifting me that book is probably one of my favorite gifts from you. The mindset of it all has really helped, but you know, also just understanding that things can't always go my way and controlling what I can control, staying grounded, staying faithful, staying grateful, and counting my blessings rather than worrying about my complaints. And so thank you all so much for listening. Thank you, mommy, for coming on the show for the first time. Maybe it won't be the last. Um, please, everyone, let me know how you enjoyed listening to this podcast episode, and I'll see you next time on Diversify Hermione.